Apr 15, 2014

3 Things a Man Craves Each Day from The Special Woman His Life

Man Begging(Although the following article is written from the man’s viewpoint, the following suggestions can work for both men and women)

In spite of the tough persona that most men present, science shows that we have some basic needs from the woman in our life that makes a significant difference in the way we feel about ourselves and the relationship we have with them. Yes, we act as though we are tough, independent, and have no need for the ‘touchy, feely’ stuff, but scientific research shows that we really do. Here are three things the woman in our life can do that will prevent us from distancing ourselves in the relationship and ensure a healthy, long, and loving relationship.

The first action is to show affection and desire. We love it when the woman in our life makes it a priority to touch and hold us. Science shows that when couples touch and hug, the hormone oxytocin is released and the couple then feels a closer bond to one another. It’s also been observed that any resentment that builds up in men in a committed relationship is washed away when they enjoy regular physical and emotional contact, including sex. It’s simply good science to take advantage of this unifying activity. Some women believe that we ‘just want sex’ and feel this lowers the value of the relationship. Not true. When regular handholding, hugs, and affectionate kisses are a regular part of the relationship, they will discover that “sex” turns into “making love”.

Respect is the second key factor that women must provide to their man. By respect, I mean a commitment to the person to love and be loyal to them, especially in public. Once a woman berates or mocks her partner, all romance is driven out of the relationship. He will hide his hurt, but, I guarantee you, cold anger grows inside of him and it soon becomes manifested in his outward actions toward his partner. This leads to a downward spiral of resistance, resentment, rejection, and, worst of all, repression. I’ll discuss those, and the dangers associated with each one, in just a moment.

The third aspect that is vital for women to provide to their man in a healthy relationship is showing appreciation. Genuine appreciation is the best way to give a man confidence that you value him and the efforts he puts forward to pleasing you. In some cases, he may think he knows what that is, but he’s known to be wrong.  At that point, show appreciation and give some gentle guidance of how it could be made even better. As Sheryl Crow said, “Happiness is not having what you want, it’s wanting what you have”.

I have counseled many men (and women) over the years that have been traumatized by a failed relationships or divorce. They are afraid to trust another woman. But, whether a man has gone through a bad relationship or not, I can tell you that men need affection, loyalty, and reassurance that their partner is 100% in love with them and that nothing else is more important than your relationship with them on a daily basis. These three suggestions are the prescription for enjoying a happy, loving relationship with the person you were once ecstatic about. And, more thought for you to consider; if your relationship has already deteriorated to where these suggestions don’t sound doable right now, but you do want to liven-up your relationship, then, start out with small steps and “go first”.  By “going first”, I mean for you to be vulnerable and take the first step. If you get no response the first time, keep at it, it takes time to wash away years of neglect in a relationship. You’ll soon see him come around and you’ll be ecstatic…all over again!!!

Below is additional discussion on how intimate relationships spiral downward*:

Stage one, Resistance:

The first phase of challenges in a relationship is when you begin to feel resistance. Resistance occurs when you take exception or feel annoyed by your partner. Maybe they do something in public that embarrasses you and you really wish they hadn’t. At this first stage, most people don’t communicate when they’re feeling a sense of resistance, and as a result, this emotion is buried and held onto. It boils and festers until it becomes . . .

Stage Two, Resentment:

Now you’re not just annoyed; you’re angry. You begin to distance yourself from them and create an emotional barrier. The emotion of intimacy is ruined and this destructive pattern, if not stopped, will only gain momentum. It then turns into…

Stage Three, Rejection:

At this point, you have experienced enough emotional pain that you’re looking for ways to minimize or eliminate that pain. You also have so much resentment built up that you find yourself looking for ways to make your partner wrong and you begin to see everything they do as irritating or annoying. It’s here that not only emotional separation occurs, but also physical separation, as well. If rejection is allowed to continue you move to …

Stage Four, Repression:

When you are tired of coping with the anger that comes with the rejection phase, you try to reduce your pain by creating emotional numbness. You want to avoid feeling any pain, but, in the process, you also avoid passion and excitement. This is the most dangerous phase of a relationship because this is the point at which lovers become roommates— no one else knows the couple has any problems because they never fight, but there’s no relationship left, either.

What’s the key to preventing these “Four R’s”?

  • Communicate clearly up front and make sure your expectations are known and can be met.
  • Use Transformational Vocabulary, stating things in the positive. For instance, instead of saying, “I can’t stand it when you do that!” , say, “I’d prefer it if you did this way instead.”
  • Make your relationships one of the highest priorities in your life.
  • Focus each day on making it better, rather than focusing on what might happen if it ended.
  • Daily reconnect to what you love about this person you’re in a relationship with and reinforce your feelings of connection and renew your feelings of intimacy and attraction by consistently asking the question, “How did I get so lucky to have you in my life?”

If your relationship is struggling to survive or you want to increase the joy, happiness, satisfaction, and excitement, please contact me right away!

Creating life in forward motion,

Dr. Edward Lewellen



*Much of this information was taken from Tony Robbins’ book “Re-Awaken the Giant Within”.